If you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ll know that as soon as you announce it to the world the unsolicited comments begin.  Whether you ask or not, people feel the need to impart their ‘wisdom’ and realms of ‘knowledge’ sometimes without even drawing breath.  And as the pregnant lady in question, you’re supposed to welcome the support, be thankful for the advice, when really you’d like to tell them to SOD OFF.  If you’ve had a baby, chances are you’ve heard at least one of my Top Five things you should never say to a pregnant woman!

No.1

Yes, that’s right, people will assume you’re just getting fat.  Don’t worry though – they’ll be sure to tell you how relieved they are when they realise, you’re just with child….

No.2

“Yes Stacey i am totally sure that i only have one child growing in my stomach, but thanks for your input – i was a little concerned the Dr has gotten the scan wrong…”

No.3

You’ll usually hear this after someone has asked you how far along you are.  More often than not, they’ll expect your answer to be “I’m due next week Gina” when in reality you’re only half way, feeling like turd and Gina has the gaul to make you feel like a giant heifer.  So this response should be met with nothing more than a smack in the face…

No.4

Okay Steve, we get it.  You once heard your Mum say that a sideway stripe wasn’t doing her any favours.  But had she in fact educated your tiny man brain on the wonders of pregnancy, you would know that a horizontal stripe is the pinnacle of any maternity wardrobe. So suck it, asshat.

No.5

Yes, yes i am pregnant.  I could refer you to the 6000 pee sticks, ultra sound and plotted calendar dates of conception if you like- but then i remembered it’s none of your business.

an added bonus No.6

I mean,  there are no words…

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